No Last Name Needed

Some of the best memories are created with people you meet just once.

There's something perfect about that one evening spent over a beer, a laugh, a random party that you didn't want to go to but glad you forced yourself to, because you ended up having one of the best conversations of your life.

It's 'Hi, my name is John/Jane', two hours of absolute magic, and then you never have to see them again! You never have to discover dysfunctional personalities, annoying habits, terrible hygiene or anything else that is a part of getting to know people better.

They're perfect! And they remain that way forever, just because you never saw them again.

Exchanging phone numbers is overrated.

Encore

It has been said so many times before, and yet it needs a repeat. So let me be the one to say it... again.

India was colonised by the British. Therefore, it follows that our grasp on English would be fairly good, i.e. let go of the shock when I can string a whole sentence together without any grammatical or pronunciation errors.

And yes, it is completely possible that English is my first language. If you don't believe me, I could talk to you in Hindi, you could laugh, and then we'll settle this matter once and for all.

Agreed?

Sunday Morning Amusement

'The Examiner' is a magazine published by the Bombay Catholic Sabha (indeed, such a thing exists). Every Sunday, we pick up our copy after mass and spend about a hour leafing through it over breakfast.

While most of the news consists of the latest announcements from the Vatican, the Pope's views on birth control, the plight of the dwindling Catholic community in India and so on, there are two pages devoted to my favourite part - The Matrimonials.

Since I was ten years old and first discovered this feature in the magazine, I looked forward to reading it every week. The Examiner Matrimonials provided me with a week's worth of entertainment in just ten minutes of reading time - For a mere ten rupees, this was money well spent as far as I was concerned.

The descriptions for brides always involved the following characteristics - good, God-fearing, homely, family-oriented, wheatish-complexion, under 30 years of age. For men it was usually much of the same, except the age limit was probably upped to 35 years and 'professionally qualified' was added to the list.

Apart from seeing which people I could actually identify by the few facts or email ids mentioned, I was amused by how each ad asked for more or less the same thing. If everyone indeed got what they wanted as advertised, I imagine they all married carbon copies of each other. So I'm on the lookout for the real Roman Catholic matrimonial ad. One that says exactly what the prospective bride/groom wants; no more, no less and forget all the frills of 'wheatish complexion'!

Then again, as a fellow cynic and I have concluded, the Examiner editor would probably go nuts with something that read as, " Groom wanted. Should fall under 'decent human being' category, preferably not an only child (i.e. no sharing issues), no Oedipus-complex, comes with own friend circle, has a decent job or ability to support himself (i.e. not be a moocher) and of course - is not butt-ugly. Being taller than the prospective bride (i.e. over 5'4") is an added advantage.

ONLY interested parties that fall under all these categories may write in. If you hear from me, kudos to you. If not, good luck with your wheatish complexioned homely God-fearing wife."

I'm pretty sure that would be over the word-limit and terribly out of line from what the good mamas are looking for, but at least I'd have a good laugh for ten bucks!

Poetic Justice Is:

The biker staring at my chest for an inordinate amount of time while making sick comments rams his bike straight into a stationary auto-rickshaw.
The rickshaw driver was a tall, well-built man.
He was not pleased.

Dirty Words

There's a lot of profanity floating around.

I was taught at a very early age to never say "Shit".
I used to fine my Grandmother Rs 1 every time she slipped up and used words like 'stupid' or 'idiot'. I made Rs 50 on one summer vacation alone that I spent with her!

Considering all the f***'s and B******s and truly conventional bad words, someone forgot to tell us that the worst of all profanity was 'What if''.

I'm swearing off the use of all regret.
What the fuck, life is infinitely happier without it!

Let me introduce to you to...

The concept of the pavement.

Everyone in Bombay is well aware of the fact that if we're walking anywhere, it has to be on the road. Primarily because there is nowhere else to walk. Middle, Side, Edge of the road, or gutter - the choice is yours. While it is annoying to drivers that they have to look out for random pedestrians aside from dealing with crazy truckers and road rage addicts, they accept this as part of life in the city.

However, the BMC (Brihanmumbai Municipal Corporation) has spent a substantial amount of money over the last three months to construct pavements in Bombay so that automobiles and pedestrians will no longer have to share the same space.

Since the pavements are built over the gutters, this presents a drainage issue during the monsoons. And since they've used paver-blocks instead of good old concrete, the pavements are about a foot and a half (if not more) higher than the road, making it extremely inconvenient to hop on and off every time the pavement ends. Now, while I admit that most of what the BMC does defies all logic, there are certain areas where the pavements are more than usable. There are no sunken areas, no gaping holes, no major height difference from the road level and no large branches obstructing the path. I know this because I walk on the pavements in these areas, and I am still alive and well.

So now, when I am driving my car and there are people in the middle of the road, I am going to slow down and look around to check if there is a pavement in walkable-on condition. If there isn't, I will slow down and make impatient noises while waiting for them to manoeuvre themselves out of the way of oncoming traffic.
But if there is, I'm going to accelerate and may God be with them.